We have all seen it, and almost any parent can recall a time that they have been there. The toddler tantrums in the aisle of the store. The child that melts at the little league game. The teen that loses their cool at the most inconvenient time. These are the parenting challenges that parents often replay for days.

Learning to regulate emotional responses is an important part of child development, which means that some moments that lack emotional regulation will be a part of the growing process. So how can parents tackle some of these moments where their child is overwhelmed without becoming overwhelmed themselves?

Let’s start by thinking about the science of emotional regulation.

Have you ever walked into a room where someone is stressed and your stress level instantly rises and you feel more on edge? When someone is angry or sad or frustrated or afraid, it is very common that those around them will start to feel some of those same emotions. The reason is that this happens in a structure in the brain called mirror neurons. These nerve cells form very early on in brain development and mirror the feelings and emotions of others around us. These mirror neurons are a key part of the emotional response and regulation process. (1)

One of the biggest tips that we emphasize to parents as child and teen therapists is that children and teens cannot regulate if the big people around them are not regulated. That is because of mirror neurons. Children and teens will reflect and mirror the emotions that you bring to a conversation and you are likely to have the urge to feel the same feelings that your child brings to the conversation. So the first question is not, “how do I help my child control their emotions?”, but rather “how do I control my emotions?”

So here are 4 tips for managing your emotional response when your child or teen is having a difficult time managing their emotions.

Focus on your breathing. We know you’ve heard it before, “take a deep breath.“ And while it may feel repetitive or overly simplistic, focusing on and controlling our breath, can be a game changer in controlling our overall emotional state. A high heart rate and shallow breathing is associated with stress responses in the body, while lowered heart rate and slow controlled breath is associated with more control and calm in the body. And in these moments, we have to get to a place to control and calm as quickly and efficiently as possible, and breath is our easiest route there.

Intentionally speak slower, and at a lower tone of voice. Do you member those mirror neurons that we referenced just a minute ago? Nonverbal communications and the ways that we interact with others have a great impact on how they perceive our emotional state and how they calibrate their emotions based on their perceptions of ours. In moments when children or teens are in an escalated emotional state, we need to be intentional about presenting calm, control, and lowered energy. Even the perception of frustration can increase the energy in a conversation when our main intention is to deescalate. We’ve all been told at some point in time “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it“ and it is particularly true for de-escalation and parenting.

Practice how you would like to respond to common situations. Most families, children, teens, and people in general, have a common pattern that they will fall into or common situations where conflict will occur. If there is a setting that your children tend to get more escalated or have larger emotional responses, take the time to practice and prep the response that you would like to have. Think about the phrases that you would like to use, how you would like to give reminders, the way that you would like to reroute the conversation. Think about the ideal tone that you will use. Practice all of these things, when you are calm and the conflict or escalated emotions are not present. Creating that template in your own brain for how you would like to respond will often increase the likelihood that you’ll be able to respond somewhat closely to that desired outcome in the moment.

Walk away if you need to. As I mentioned, regulating children is all about regulating ourselves. And if we reach a moment or an instance where we are unable to regulate ourselves in the presence of a child, it is always the best choice to double-check safety for the child, and then step away. If you need to take a moment to regulate and implement some of your own cool-down techniques in isolation, that is the best choice, even if that means starting the conversation again later. And for older children, who may have the ability to understand, we are modeling a great skill that it is OK to take a step away, and re-join a conversation later.

One final note from a therapist, parenting often brings up many of our own wounds, insecurities, and places of emotional hurt. If you find that you continue responding in significant ways to behaviors or patterns that your children are displaying, it may be worth doing some of your own work to discover where those emotional responses are coming from in yourself. Therapy, and unpacking some of our own histories that impact our own emotional responses can be a great way to understand ourselves and our children better.

If you are interested in child and teen therapy, or the support of a therapist for your own health and well-being, as you try to parent from a place of wholeness, a member of our team, would love to help and support you whether you participate in our online therapy resources, or visit us in person at our Arlington, Texas base therapy office, we would love to connect with you and help you and your family, pursue health and wellness together.

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