On Codependency: Low Self-Esteem
Welcome back to part 3 of our series titled “On Codependency” where we are taking the time to explore codependency and it’s traits. Today we will take a deeper dive into to the next aspect of codependency: Low self-esteem.
If you need a refresher or you are just now joining us in our exploration of codependency, we want to let you know that on the Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) website, we can find the main characteristics of codependency broken down into 5 groups. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a group that utilizes the 12 steps model to address codependency issues. These traits can be found under the meeting materials tab on the website along with other resources that you may find helpful.
Click here for additional codependency resources.
As stated earlier, most people possess characteristics of codependency because, by nature, we are codependent beings; we need each other to survive. CoDA states that if we possess or identify with 4 or more of the traits listed under each group, we struggle with that type of codependency. Codependency can stem from anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, and other mental health issues, and addressing codependency in relationships may be a critical step in effective anxiety therapy and substance use/ addiction counseling. If we identify with less than 4 of the listed traits, we can have less cause for concern.
The next element of codependency is low self-esteem.
Low Self-esteem Patterns are daily common features of many mental and emotional health challenges. But what do low self-esteem patterns look like related to codependency?
Codependents often:
• have difficulty making decisions.
• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
• have difficulty admitting a mistake.
• need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
• are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.
• perceive themselves as superior to others.
• look to others to provide their sense of safety.
• have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
This element of codependents is much easier to grasp and understand compared to some of the other groups because a lot of people struggle with low self-esteem and have some concept of what low self-esteem may look like. Be it situational or chronic, low self-esteem has been experienced by most if not all people at one time or another.
I’m not good enough…
I’m not lovable…
I’m not worthy.
But, low self-esteem, as a codependent trait is a bit different than the typical negative self-talk and lack of appreciation for self.
Low self-worth as a trait of codependency is entirely different, in that these traits lead to power over or manipulation of oneself by others or stagnation in life that prevents the development of healthy relationships.
For Example:
An anxious parent might raise a child to believe that nothing they do will ever be good enough due to the parents’ own negative cognitions. This in turn rears low self-esteem in the child.
OR
A parent abusing alcohol might place alcohol above everyone else in the family resulting in a child or partner that feels unlovable.
But here is where things can get interesting,
As discussed we have discussed in earlier posts in this series, some of these traits are oxymoronic. And, low self esteem patterns can be a from of defense mechanism as well:
Like how could someone with low self-esteem “perceive themselves as superior to others?” Isn’t the issue with low self-esteem that you think you are literally worse than everyone else?
Well, you are right, that is the issue and a classic defense mechanism for this is projecting that lack of self-worth onto others.
At its most extreme level, narcissistic personality disorder at the core deals with no self-esteem, and these individuals try to project that feeling onto others by making them feel bad about themselves or convincing others that they actually are super awesome; because, if you think I’m awesome, maybe I will be.
It is pretty convoluted, but when we look at the picture from a broader scope, it all does make sense.
Another example: "My dad always told me I wasn’t good enough but now that I am older, if I tell you about how good enough I actually am, maybe it will be true." or "No you actually suck at that because I'm no good at it, and if anyone is better at it than me, what my dad said growing up would actually be true."
These mental defenses can get pretty complex.
By Chrissy LaCivita, LCSW
If you are interested in learning more about codependency or taking the next steps in your own anxiety therapy or addiction counseling journey, we would love to connect. Our Arlington, TX-based therapy group is ready to help you in whatever stage of your recovery journey that you find yourself in. We are available for online therapy service and in person at our Arlington, TX office. Reach out to connect with a member of our team today!
