Are you the parents of a teen? Are you struggling to find effective ways to communicate with your teen, build healthy habits, and encourage behaviors that are safe and healthy? Finding ways to effectively communicate with teenagers is one of the most common parenting challenges that parents report. Even more, in the current digital age that teens live in, effective communication on appropriate online activities can be even more challenging.

For many parents, this feels like a whole new world of challenges. A pew research center study notes that 95% of teens have full access to the Internet through a smartphone device and nearly 45% of teens report that they are “online almost constantly“. (1)

And in a recent study published in Business Wire, a report states that 60% of teens rarely or never talk to their parents about appropriate online behavior. (2)

So what are the best ways to parent in a digital age? What are the best strategies for maintaining safety and monitoring behaviors? Should parents snoop or look at records of digital activity without their children know?

These are all common and complex questions that we hoped to give a bit of insight into from the lens of a teen mental health therapist.
Before we dive fully into this conversation, we do want to take the time to say that this is a complex issue, and one set of strategies or principles will not work for every child or every family. It is important that parents evaluate the unique needs of their children and teens, and make accommodations. Our hope in this article is not to be prescriptive, but to encourage healthy conversations and intentional thought surrounding, what is right for your child and family. One of my favorite reminders as a therapist is that you are the expert on your life. You are the expert on your family. And as a therapist, we are here to help facilitate good thoughtful conversations.

So here are four principles to consider when asking the question about what level of monitoring of online activity is the right parenting move for you.

Safety is always the priority.

As a parent, your number one job is the safety of your child, and teen, and maintaining that safety, especially in a digital age, should always take top priority. A study completed in 2021 reports an over 400% rise in cyber crimes against children, bringing empirical data to the cautions and fears that many parents have concerning online activities with their children. (3)

Furthermore, a recent FBI report notes that online predator activity has increased exponentially and that 89% of victims are contacted by online predators through some form of chat or instant message feature on common social media and online platforms. (4)

So it’s safe to say, a parent should have healthy caution related to the online activities of their children and teens, and teaching and monitoring the Internet. Safety is an important aspect of being a parent who protects their child.

The goal is building trust on both ends of the relationship not eroding it.

Therapists who commonly work with teens and their parents will often emphasize the importance of trust in relationships between teens and parents. This becomes increasingly important when it comes to online safety and the monitoring of teen activities. If the goal is increased communication, increased trust must be an aspect of the relationship goals.

A recent study found that decreased trust in relationships is often associated with decreased communication between teens and parents, and likewise, increased trust in the relationship between teens and parents is associated with increased positive communication. (5) The most effective way to monitor and support the behavioral activities that you desire from your teen will be through strategies and practices that increase the trust in the relationship.

The research does note that the more parents know the activities that teens are participating in online, there is a reduction in risk to the adolescent, and the researchers go on to point out that the attitude of the parent, including modeling, open communication, and building. Trust is an important aspect of the overall effectiveness of the monitoring, as well as the acceptance of the monitoring from the teen. (6)

If you are able to set expectations early on for monitoring standards, and if you need to backtrack set expectations as clearly as possible as soon as possible.

This principle comes from a general standard of perception, and how it feels to be given a privilege, or have a privilege or freedom taken away. It is always easiest to set standards and rules for an activity at the beginning, or the start of the activity rather than restricting access after freedom has initially been given. Meaning, if you are reading this prior to giving your child or teen a tablet or smartphone of their own, it can be incredibly helpful to set a fairly open standard of parental monitoring and strict rules related to the level of access that you will have to the device in the beginning.

If you are in the position of having to set up rules or boundaries after initial freedoms have been given, the more clear the expectations can be stated, and the more clear you can be with the motive, and reason behind the change in expectations may assist in that shift. And it’s also important to remember that, if you get some negative feedback from your child after setting a new rule or implementing a new restriction, that’s a natural emotional response. we can validate that disappointment, frustration, or dislike of the situation, while also setting the rule that is needed for safety and well-being according to your current assessments.

Remember the goal is teaching and supporting lifelong healthy habits as teens launch into adulthood.

As a therapist who has worked with many teens and families, for several years, one of my favorite reminders to give both teens and parents is the goal of parenting teenagers. Ideally, parents of teenagers are working to support launching teens into healthy and happy adulthood. The job of a parent is to equip a teen with the skills that they need to be fully functioning, adults, and parents are tasked with the challenge of gradually implementing these responsibilities as teens have the capacity to manage them.

When we think about this task in terms of the digital world, that we currently live, supporting appropriate skills to manage the responsibility of The benefits and threats available online is the goal. So when you think about the idea of parental monitoring, think about it from the lens of supporting healthy online habits. How can you best monitor the way in which your children are using the Internet to support them in developing habits that are safe, healthy, and good for their long-term success? It’s not about finding roles that are broken, per se, but fostering, lifelong habits of health and wellness.

If you are the parents of a teen and are considering what kinds of support may assist you in your teen in health and wellness, we would love to help. At Salyer Counseling Group, we employ highly trained teen therapists, who are passionate about developing healthy, mental, emotional, and behavioral skills in teens. We love equipping teens with the skills that they need to manage their mental health, emotional health, and relational health goals as they prepare for adulthood. Whether through our online therapy resources or in person at our Arlington, Texas-based therapy office, we have options to connect with you and your family.

Contact us

Learn more about teen mental health resources:

Classroom-Friendly Coping Tools

Parenting Teens and Online Safety

5 Steps to Help Teens Handle Real-World Stress
Understanding Teen Dating Violence