Taking on The Holidays: 5 keys for setting boundaries
The holidays are fast approaching. While this season can be an optimal time for connection, joy, and the making of memories, holidays can also bring some unique challenges. So how can you navigate this holiday season with health, wellness, and mental health growth in mind? Boundaries may be a part of that answer.
Boundaries are frequently talked about skills related to navigating situations with a sense of health for ourselves and managing many mental health-related symptoms stemming from anxiety, depression, mood dysregulation, trauma, family conflict, and more. So if you are considering how boundaries may be an essential part of navigating your holiday celebrations with success, here are five things to consider that may help set you up for success in implementing the boundaries you need to take on this holiday season.
Plan ahead: boundaries are always easiest to set when you have time to think about your boundary needs before entering a higher stress situation. Brene Brown defines boundaries as “what is OK with us and what is not OK with us “ (check out one of my favorite video resources related to boundaries here.) To set a boundary, we do have to take the time to consider what is OK and what is not OK with us. Planning ahead, knowing what expectations others have of you, and determining what is OK before the moment aeries, can greatly improve your chances of success in boundary implementation.
Define your boundaries specifically: similarly to planning ahead, we do have to know fully, understand, and define what our boundaries are for ourselves before implementing a boundary with another person. Boundaries should be clearly defined based on our comfort, safety, well-being, and needs physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc. Taking the time to specifically define boundaries can help you understand what your boundaries truly are and what your needs truly are and increase your ability to accurately implement them.
Practice your ideal response: once you have identified areas that you may need to set boundarie and have clearly defined those boundaries for yourself, the task of implementing the boundary or preparing to implement the boundary becomes your next item of concern. Practicing your ideal response can be a great way to set yourself up for success in implementing a boundary with the emotional state, confidence, and strength that you desire. Practicing clear, straightforward, and non-emotional responses can be a great way to prepare for boundary implementation. Remember, according to our definition of boundaries, boundary setting is simply reporting or stating a fact. We can state those facts without the need for emotional justification, anger, frustration, fear, etc. When stating a fact, we are simply stating the truth. Repetition is how the brain learns, and repetition of stating boundaries increases the probability that we will be able to state the boundaries in the way we desire when that moment comes. Things to keep in mind when practicing your ideal response:
Pick the specific words that you would like to state
Identify the feeling that you would like to have one defining the boundary in articulating the boundary.
Locate the body sensation associated with that feeling
Identify a posture or body position that best represents or connects with that body sensation
Practice stating the words, connecting with the feeling, body sensation, and body posture.
Coordinate with your confidants: social support dramatically increases our success with most behavioral changes. Boundaries are no different. If there are other family members, other friends, confidence, etc., that may be on the same journey of boundary setting, coordinate with them. Practice your responses together. Practice defining your boundaries together. And receive that confirmation from your trusted people that your boundaries are worth setting and being respected.
Understand that poor responses do NOT mean that that the boundary is wrong. Boundaries may not always be well received or respected, but that is not an indicator that a thoughtful boundary is wrong. Emotional reactions towards you are often a sign of emotional distress from the other person. Their distress and discomfort when interacting with a boundary are likely signs of their emotional distress to process and resolve. It’s also important to remember that if you are setting boundaries that are new in a previously boundary-less relationship, the other person may be accustomed to a different type of interaction with you. It may take time for them to adjust to this new way of interacting in the relationship, which can be a positive experience for both of you. We all define expectations based on repetition of experiences, so know that it may take some repetition of setting a new boundary to redefine the expectations that the others have in interacting in the relationship. Change takes time, but the sooner we start, the sooner we are able to move towards healthier spaces in relationships.
Boundaries allow us to be more present, Whole, generous human beings. We are not able to be the best version of ourselves without them, so learning how and when to set those boundaries allows the best healthiest version of ourself to show up; it’s beneficial for you and for those you were around.
If you continue to struggle with boundaries and navigating difficult relationships, or these types of interactions are connected with feelings of overwhelm, depression, anxiety, stress, or other mental health-related concerns, connecting with a therapist is a great option for some additional support for unpacking and understanding your needs more.
If you are living in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, we would welcome you to our Arlington, TX base counseling office where our team of trained therapists is ready to help you navigate your unique needs as you take on the holiday season season. Our team is trained in trauma therapy, EMDR therapy , addiction treatment, Spanish counseling, and more. If you’re located in the state of Texas, you are also able to access our online therapy services in the comfort of your own home. Connect with us today and let’s discuss how we may or be able to support you in your journey to mental and emotional health.
