Talking to your Partner About Anxiety
Are you one of the 40 million adults that struggle with anxiety? (1) Anxiety is one of the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorders. Anxiety can significantly impact life satisfaction, professional enjoyment, and day-to-day tasks, and cause major challenges in the context of relationships.
Anxiety can be treated and managed, and relationships can thrive even with anxiety if the right supports and practices are in place. Today we are taking some time to explore anxiety in the context of relationships and what those who experience anxiety can do to help their relationships thrive and, what those who love and care for a person struggling with anxiety can do to support them.
Here are 4 areas to consider in helping your relationship thrive through anxiety:
Take the time to explain and understand the anxiety experience.
For those with anxiety:
If you are the partner in the relationship who is struggling with anxiety, it is very important to take the time to explain what anxiety is like for you. Even if your partner has experienced the anxiety of their own, they may not be able to fully understand and empathize with your needs and experiences if you do not take the time to fully explain and share that experience with them. These conversations are critically important and can include things like addressing anxiety symptoms, telling stories of times that anxiety has been most challenging for you, and even sharing other resources like movies, books, essays, music, or other pieces of art that may assist your partner in understanding what anxiety is like for you.
For those supporting a partner with anxiety:
If you are the partner of someone struggling with anxiety, take the time to ask those questions related to their experiences, understand what anxiety has looked like for them in the past, and to be able to connect with their experience on the level that you can, can be an amazing way to support your partner. Be sure to check for understanding, ask questions when you don’t understand, and ask before you assume information. These basic conversation techniques can help to create the space for honest, open, and supportive conversations surrounding your partner’s anxiety experience.
Create a plan for managing anxiety.
For those with anxiety:
For those who struggle with anxiety, it is critically important that you take the time to know yourself, the situations, and your anxiety well. Self-awareness is one of the most critical factors in truly managing anxiety responses. You cannot create a plan and actively manage an anxious experience if you do not know, understand, and have the ability to articulate the experiences. Once you have been able to identify what your anxiety looks like, where it occurs, and the frequent situations that it may arise, it’s time to work with your partner to address this anxiety experience and create a plan for the management of anxiety. This can include things like:
sharing coping skills with your partner,
actively identifying potential places where anxiety responses may come up,
telling your partner how they may be able to support you in an anxiety episode,
and creating active, action-oriented steps to complete should anxiety become overwhelming.
For those supporting a partner with anxiety:
For those who are partnered with someone who struggles with anxiety, it is important that you know your role and the expectations of your partner when they experience anxiety. (And just like we discussed in the step prior, there is no way for you to understand that experience unless you have the explicit conversations.) The conversation surrounding how you can support your partner through anxiety, expectations for how you will manage anxiety as a couple in certain situations, in the things that are helpful or not helpful when anxiety is most heightened will help both partners feel more empowered in managing anxiety together.
Focus on repair when needed.
For those with anxiety:
For those who struggle with anxiety, it is safe to say that at some point in time, anxious feelings may cause you to respond shortly, lack the follow through on commitments, and potentially say or do things that you might not say or do when you are in a happier or healthier headspace. Yes, and when these types of responses happen, it is critically important that you focus on the repair of the offense that may have occurred in the relationship as soon as possible. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Use these Repair conversations as an opportunity to further explain how you were feeling, what you were thinking, and the circumstances at hand.
It is important to make an honest apology for the harm that was caused. (As clinicians, we understand that there are times that anxiety cannot be helped an anxious response may cause us to see and do things that may not be the best version of ourselves; however, it is critically important to still take responsibility for any hurt that may have been caused in those anxious moments.)
Work with your partner to make an action plan for managing, minimizing, and preventing these types of responses and offenses in the future.
For those supporting a partner with anxiety:
For those who love and care about a person struggling with anxiety, it’s safe to say that you will not be perfect either. If you make a miss step in the process of supporting your person with anxiety, if you respond in frustration, or if other offenses occur throughout the process of managing those anxious responses, it’s equally as important to make a specific and quick repair for the offense that was caused. Likewise, it is important to:
Identify the specific offense that was caused.
Create an understanding of the how’s and shy’s behind the responses. (These are not excuses for poor behavior, but we are all humans and deserve empathy and compassion.)
Make specific plans between both members of the relationship as far as how that response may be prevented or managed in the future.
Therapy can help!
For those with anxiety:
If you are an individual who is struggling with anxiety, there are numerous evidence-based therapy interventions that can significantly reduce anxiety symptoms. Actively working through programs and processes to manage your anxiety and work towards your healthiest and happiest self is critically important for you, your health, and also the health of the relationship. Therapy can help you learn more about how to articulate and explain your anxiety experience, active ways to manage anxiety experiences when they occur, and ultimately work to reduce the reactivity and intensity of the anxiety that you are experiencing.
For those supporting a partner with anxiety.
If you are the partner of someone who is experiencing anxiety, ask about what your partner may be learning in therapy, and if there are any ways that you can help them with their anxiety experience. (Of course, confidentiality in the therapy process is critically important, and we certainly discourage partners from prying or pushing too hard to know the explicit contents that may have been discussed in therapy, but understanding basic skills, potential grounding techniques, and other ways to support a partner may be an appropriate way to connect with them in that process. Just be ready to respect those boundaries as needed.)
Seeking the help of a therapist for yourself can also be a way to partner in your partner’s anxiety experience. Gaining new education, addressing your own feelings when your partner is anxious, and managing your own emotional responses can be a great way to move yourself and the relationship in a healthy direction.
If you, your partner, or someone that you love is struggling with anxiety, anxiety therapy can help. Our team of trained therapists is equipped with the tools to manage and treat anxiety symptoms, and we offer both online therapy options as well as in-person therapy at our Arlington, TX-based therapy office .
