Unpacking Anxiety: People-pleasing
Welcome back for another post or we take the time to unpack one of the many ways that anxiety can present. Just as people are different, the way that anxiety can show up can be different for each person. Today we are taking the time to unpack another anxious thought process: people-pleasing.
Understanding people pleasing.
We can’t eat there for my party because I know she won’t like that. She really wants to go out for her birthday, and I know I don’t have the money, but I can’t disappoint her. I can take on the extra projects at work because I wouldn’t want others to be stressed.
People-pleasing is a pattern of thoughts and behaviors where the needs and desires of other people are placed in front of or above the needs of the individual. At face value, people-pleasing can be seen as somewhat virtuous: as acts of selflessness and care or consideration for others above self. And yes, people-pleasing can be an aspect of a compassionate, and kind personality trait. But, when not combined with boundaries, value for self, or fueled by anxious energy, the pattern of people-pleasing can actually be quite uncomfortable and harmful.
The unhelpful side of people-pleasing.
So at what point do these selfless, kind, thought processes become unhealthy or hurtful to us?
When we are extending ourselves beyond what we have the capacity for, typically this is a strong indicator that we have slipped into an unhealthy thought or behavior pattern. Whether that be extending beyond what we can financially fit into our budget, extending beyond what we have the emotional capacity for, or extending beyond what we have the time and energy to allocate towards a task, the overextension of ourselves for the benefit of another likely means we have moved into that direction of unhealthy.
What’s more is, when we think about anxiety, and the correlation between anxiety and fear responses, When people-pleasing is a part of anxiety, or we are operating from the fear of disappointing other people, these types of behavior can leave us depleted and completely overextended.
So what do I do about people-pleasing as a form of anxiety?
For some people, people-pleasing is a part of their anxiety response, is a pretty complex or multilayered response system for them. But for anyone who is attempting to work towards a healthier pattern of behavior connected with people-pleasing, a few basic starting points may include:
Boundary setting – identifying clearly for yourself what you can and cannot do. (Here is my favorite short resource on boundary setting.)
Scheduling – identifying time parameters for different events, activities, and tasks
Practicing small no’s – find small things to say “no” about, and build the skill with low-risk situations.
Interested in learning more about raining in your people-pleasing tendencies, or addressing the anxiety is that may be fueling these patterns? Learn more about different forms of anxiety therapy, meet our team of therapists, or connect with our Arlington, Texas-based therapy group. We would love to partner with you on your journey to anxiety management!
