We are Adults Now… Setting Boundaries with Parents
So we are adults now, but still kids to our parents and possibly feel that we are supposed to stay in the gray area of being a kid that still listens to them even if we feel it crosses some lines. So what do we need to do in order to maintain a healthy relationship with our mom and dad, while also sticking to our ground as an adult?
Let’s remember that not everyone has a solid relationship with their parents or we may have a blended family; you know your family best so keep that in mind as we review how to implement boundaries. If you are aware of dad’s resistance when being vulnerable or possibly being quick to anger or mom’s constant need to overstep and still parent your decisions and lifestyle after becoming an adult because she wants what is best for you even if it frustrates you, then let’s explore ideas to assist in those situations.
In David Allen’s book, Coping with Critical, Demanding and Dysfunctional Parents (2018), he discusses how setting common boundaries and expectations with our parents to respect our decisions as we age and also create our own families are imperative. It could be having your parents call you before dropping by at any time or not giving you unsolicited advice regarding your current relationship or parenting styles. Setting boundaries is like keeping a fence around your front yard and maintaining your values and morals within your home and also not letting someone you love try to jump the fence or overstep because you feel obligated due to your relationship.
Tips on how to set boundaries with parents:
Know your limits - You know yourself best, so know what limits you must have in order to set boundaries of what is necessary for you. Be proactive in setting the boundaries with your parents instead of reactive from them not knowing what lines they cannot cross.
Rid your guilt - Do you feel guilty for wanting to set boundaries? Guilt can make you feel that your boundaries are not helpful, remind yourself that your feelings of guilt do not make your limits less valid or annoying for others.
Reframe the conversation around boundaries - Your mom and dad may know you love and respect them, but may see boundaries as something not needed from their point of view. So reframe how you appreciate them for what they do and recognize their significant role in your life but handling the boundaries with care to grow yourself and your family is something you desire and are grateful for them in the process.
Clear and concise - Do not be wishy washy about your feelings when it comes to a specific situation that has caused you distress in some way, notice that you are feeling upset or hurt by a certain behavior and be honest of what you would like to experience in the future to create healthy communication.
Be aware of when you need space - Reiterate your clear boundaries and if any portion of their behavior or conversations tiptoed or crossed the set boundary, let them know you want to continue to uphold and need some time to regroup or recollect yourself.
Be aware that not everyone can take honest and clear boundaries that you set but they are essential in every relationship to create and foster healthy communication and mutual respect between the parties involved. Keep in mind that your strong boundaries protect you and your family, but they also help cultivate a healthy, respectful relationship as a grown adult with your parents. If you need help on learning on how to set boundaries with your parents in your stage of life or need to re-evaluate some areas that are impacted due to others’ actions, feel free to reach out to one of the therapists through online therapy or in person at our Arlington,TX based therapy office. Connect with a member of our team today!
References:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/359638636_The_Limits_of_Sharenting_Exploring_Parents%27_and_Adolescents%27_Sharenting_Boundaries_Through_the_Lens_of_Communication_Privacy_Management_Theory
Book: Allen, D. M. (2018). Coping with critical, demanding, and dysfunctional parents: Powerful strategies to help adult children maintain boundaries and stay sane. New Harbinger Publications.
