What to do when Someone Shares their Trauma with you
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a trauma disclosure? Trauma is challenging and heartbreaking for both the survivor and those that love and care for them. Today we are going to explore some helpful things to keep in mind and understand if you are ever in the position to hear a trauma story from someone you love or care for.
Understanding that there is a complexity to the timing of trauma disclosure:
It is very common for trauma disclosure to occur anywhere from directly after the occurrence of a traumatic event to months and years later depending upon the severity of the experience (1). As a person deemed safe enough to disclose trauma to, it is helpful to not question or read into the timing of the disclosure. These things are complicated and the persons who experienced the trauma may not fully understand the reasoning for their timing as well.
Listen before responding:
Initial trauma disclosures may feel disjointed, disorganized, and sporadic. This is the nature of trauma. If you are in the position to hear a trauma story from someone you love or care for, listen, listen, listen. Many of your questions may be answered as you let the person share what occurred in whatever order is most natural for them. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Don’t get hung up on the details, your offer of support is more important than your understanding.
Know that some disclosures happen gradually, and more details may be shared at a later date. Gradual disclosure happens very commonly.
If you are looking to clarify something, use reflective listening. “So what I am hearing you say is that this happened first, and then this. Am I understanding correctly?”
When you do respond, make affirmative statements and open-ended questions.
Maintain an attitude and posture of non-judgment:
One of the primary thoughts and feelings that keeps trauma disclosure from occurring is the fear of judgment, invalidation, or shame.
Here are some things to avoid:
Anything that starts with “well at least…” or makes a comparison of how it could have been worse.
Anything that could be invalidating or minimizing the emotions and feelings of the trauma survivor. Emotional volatility will decrease with time and treatment, but disclosure is not the time to make any statements about the feelings of the trauma survivor.
Any questions that reflect personal responsibility or error on the part of the trauma survivor. The processing of any kind of felt responsibility will likely happen at some point, but disclosure and initiated by a family or friend is not the time.
Any ultimatum as far as next steps. Survivors of trauma have experienced moments of complete disempowerment and helplessness. Trauma survivors deserve a choice in their recovery, so avoid ultimatums as to what has to or should be done. (There are obviously exceptions to this if the disclosure is reported by a minor and the trauma is subject to reporting laws. All adults should know the reporting laws in their states of residence.)
Instead opt for communication that:
Validates feelings and acknowledges the personal struggle of the individual’s trauma experience. Trauma is a subjective experience, so your opinion on how significant or minimal a trauma was is irrelevant. All that matters is how the trauma survivor experiences it.
Celebrates vulnerability and the courage that trauma disclosure takes. Thank the person for trusting you with their story. Validate their bravery in sharing.
Offers support that gives the trauma survivor control. Ask questions like:
“How can I support you?”
“Have you thought about what your next steps maybe?”
“Are there any appointments or next steps that I can accompany you to?” If yes, “Do you want me to help you look up the phone number, sit next to you as you call, drive you, wait in the car, wait in the waiting room, come in with you?”
Reminds the survivor of the availability of professional support with trauma therapy, support groups, medical personnel, and more.
Trauma disclosures are an important part of the trauma healing journey and the right response can set a trauma survivor up for a solid start to their journey towards healing.
If you are looking for additional support through trauma therapy, or if you love someone who has experienced trauma and are looking to gain some additional skills and process your own experience as a support, our team is here to help. Our Arlington, TX-based therapy group offers in-person and online therapy services. We employ trained trauma therapists and offer a variety of options to meet your needs.
