On Codependency… What is it?
When you hear the term “codependency,” what comes to mind? Is it a young woman financially dependent on her older “sugar daddy”? Is it an abusive spouse who controls their partner? While these are the somewhat stereotypical types of codependency, the concept and presentation of codependency go much deeper than that and can take on many different forms. The origins of codependency issues are equally as vast.
In this series, we will discuss how one becomes codependent, the negative impacts of codependency on persons and relationships, and the different characteristics of codependency.
So what is codependency and what is so wrong with it?
Codependency in and of itself is not a bad thing. Humans are pack animals and instinctively need one another to exist. Evolutionarily and historically, humans have relied on each other to procreate, survive, and make sure our species lives on. The healthiest and most obvious example of codependency is parenting. Parents by nature make sure their children are safe, healthy, and make it to adulthood so they can hopefully raise a family of their own. They even take care of their family and friends’ children in the same manner with the hopes of the same outcome.It sounds well and good, right?
But there is a line.
So where do we cross over the line of protecting and safeguarding to hurting and causing harm?
Making or pushing other people to do what we think is best for them versus trusting they know what is best for them, is a step too far. If a child doesn’t want to play basketball but we feel like that is what will get them into college, the healthy thing is to let the child find their own path. A more adult representation of that quality might be enabling people’s detrimental behaviors as a means of keeping them around or happy is another example.
When reviewing the list of codependent characteristics, it is important to note that everyone has some of the characteristics of codependency because we were built to live communally or dependently in some way or another. It’s only when we have too many of these characteristics or the actions are too extreme that there is an issue worthy of addressing. It should also be noted that these traits are not necessarily stagnant, and that depending on the situation or time, we can be more codependent or less.
So how does someone become codependent?
As far as how someone becomes codependent, this may be a longer, more complex story. Often individuals from family homes that struggle with mental health issues, such as anxiety disorders or substance use disorders, develop codependent behaviors.
Anxious parents raise anxious children and common traits amongst those who struggle with anxiety disorders are low self-esteem, poor boundaries, and avoidant behaviors.
Parents abusing substances are often abusive (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and raise children who are distant, emotionally unavailable, or distrusting of others.
Classic family dynamics like enmeshed or dysfunctional families will result in codependent behaviors in their children as well.
So what do I do about it?
From my experience, the bigger issue is how to work on and remedy any present codependent behaviors versus how or why they may be present today; however, understanding where codependent traits stem from can help us create the changes we desire.
For example, if one were to marry a spouse like their dad (who may have been neglectful and distant), that person may carry over the codependent behaviors from their childhood into this new relationship based on what they have seen and observed. Knowing how the two situations are similar can help a person better understand where the behaviors come from and what needs to be done instead.
By Chrissy LaCivita,LCSW
If you are interested in learning more about codependency and how it overlaps with anxiety therapy or addiction recovery, keep following along as we unpack this important topic over the next few weeks.
If you are interested in learning more about anxiety therapy, addiction recovery, or starting your own journey of understanding how things of the past may be impacting your present life and relationships, we are here to help. Our Arlington, TX-based therapy group offers quality and evidence-based therapy services through both online therapy platforms and in person.
