5 Steps to Talk to Partners about Past Trauma

Do you find yourself in your current relationship negatively impacted by your past? Do you struggle to communicate past trauma with your current partner for fear of “burdening them,” “feeling needy,” or just not knowing how to share these things with them?

You are not alone. Many people struggle to know what or how to communicate with their partner on topics related to past trauma and hurts. Whether these are childhood wounds, abuse, bad past relationships, or other negative life experiences, many people struggle to know how or what to share.  

Here are 5 tips for navigating conversations about past trauma: .

Step 1- Timing- you have heard it before, “timing is everything” and it is certainly the case here. Pick a time when the conversation will not be rushed, everyone is in a positive or regulated state, and you and your partner feel safe. Directly after a trauma trigger, a fight, or even a stressful day will set both you and your partner up for potential challenges in navigating the conversation well. If in doubt, wait for a time that feels more calm and relaxed. 

Step 2- The set up- conversations like this are challenging for both parties. Just as you want to set yourself up for success in communicating your need and sharing the pieces of your story that you desire, we want to set partners up for success in giving the empathic compassionate response that you desire from them. Hearing about bad things that have happened to people that we love can be challenging too. We suggest acknowledging that the conversation will be difficult, affirming the value of the parent in your current life, and stating the response that you desire. Here is an example: “ I have been wanting to talk to you about some things that are really hard for me. I know I may not do this conversation perfectly, but I also know that you are one of my most trusted people and that you are safe to share this with. I do not need you to do anything or fix anything now. All I need is for you to listen and support me in the ways that you often do.” 

Step 3- Don’t overshare but don’t downplay- your partner may not need to know every detail of the trauma that you have experienced. For those who are not experienced in working with trauma or hearing trauma stories, the gritty details can be overwhelming. It is also important that you do not downplay or minimize what you have experienced. Speaking in themes of types of victimizations, in general time frames, in resulting symptoms/impact can be a great outline to get started in sharing your story. Be factual but not overly graphic or detailed. 

Step 4- The action step- this is where you can let your partner know how they can help you. If there are things that your partner is doing or has done that is a trauma trigger, this is a time to address it. If there is some aspect of your recovery process that they can support you in, this is the time to tell them. If there are boundaries that you need to set, or family or friend relationships that you need to navigate differently and they can support you in that, this is a time to share that. 

Step 5- Leave room for questions- it is important that partners are able to ask questions and process their experiences in the conversation and learn from this information. Allow partners to ask questions. If a question is too detailed or involves nformation that you are not ready to share, practice a calm and kind response.  Something like, “There are still aspects of this story that I am not able to talk about, and this is one.” or  “I am still working through some parts of my healing and I am not quite sure how to answer that.” Are great places to start.

These are 5 tips for addressing past trauma with your current partner. Note that not every relationship has the emotional skill and safety to navigate these conversations alone. A trained counselor can help couples navigate these conversations with support for both partners to be heard and understood. 

If you are interested in learning more about trauma therapy or how therapy may be able to help support you or your partners contact us today. Our Arlington, TX-based counseling office is equipped to help both in person and with online therapy services.