On Codependency: Control
We are still going strong on our journey through the characteristics of codependency. If you are just joining our series, please refer to our previous posts on the characteristics of codependency. If you have been following along, Welcome back! We have a great characteristic of codependency to unpack today: Control.
Just as a reminder, on the Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) website, one can find the main characteristics of codependency organized into 5 groups. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a group that applies models and tools of the 12 steps programs to address the concerns of codependency. For those wanting more information directly from the source, these five traits can be found under the meeting materials tab on the website.
Click here for additional codependency resources.
As communicated earlier in previous posts, most people have some characteristics of codependency because we are codependent beings. We need others to survive. CoDA makes the distinction that if an individual possesses or identifies with 4 or more of the traits listed under each group, the individual likely struggles with that type of codependency. These challenges can stem from anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, and other mental health issues. If you identify with less than 4 of the listed traits, you are considered healthy or are doing what any healthy person would do in relation to our need for human connection.
The next element of codependency is control.
In control as an element of codependency, Codependents often:
•believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
• freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
• become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
• lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
• demand that their needs be met by others.
• use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.
• refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
• adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
• use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
• pretend to agree with others to get what they want.
Control patterns of codependency are probably the last thing people think of when they are asked what codependency looks like. Most people think being codependent means you are dependent on others due to weakness or poverty or vulnerability, but a domineering and controlling person that takes advantage of the aforementioned person may exhibit control pattern codependent.
These traits are divided into 2 parts if we look at them closely: overt and covert control.
Overt means obvious and covert means subtle. The overt traits are the first 8 bullet points and show an individual exerting control over another with force and domination. The last 6 bullet points are the covert traits and depict an individual using subtle manipulation to get what they want out of others.
In general, with control patterns, codependents use other people to get their emotional needs met rather than meeting their own. This is how we determine if someone is codependent or not; their emotional wellbeing is dictated by the actions, thoughts, beliefs, or responses of others.
This type of codependency just tries to make other people do meet these needs, in contrast to the other codependent types mentioned so far who avoid, sacrifice, or feel bad about their needs going unmet.
Having said that, other people cannot meet our emotional needs as that is something we must fulfill for ourselves. So for control type codependents, their expectations of others meeting their needs go unmet, resulting in volatile relationships that leave people disappointed and angry.
So Let’s unpack where these traits may develop.
Control patterns of codependents often stem from families of abuse where individuals had little to no control growing up. They may have had a parent struggling with substance abuse and no matter what they did, they were always at the mercy of that parent and their needs were constantly unmet.
If a parent suffered from an anxiety disorder, the child may have felt out of control since they wouldn’t know what kind of interaction with that parent they would get on any given day. The child may have learned early on that if they could call the shots and take control of their relationships, they could never be hurt in the same manner they had been when they were growing up. This then leads to an adult trying to manipulate or dictate the actions of those closest to them as a means of protecting themselves from the pain they experienced as a child. Oxymoronically, this only leads to unhappy and unfulfilling relationships or a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By Chrissy LaCivita, LCSW
Has this conversation left you wanting to know about codependency or what options exist in addressing your own anxiety therapy or addiction counseling needs? If you are ready to begin your own next steps towards healing and health our Arlington, TX-based therapy group is equipped to join you in the stage of your journey that you find yourself now. There are options to make this process accessible through online therapy service and in person appointments at our Arlington, TX office. Contact us below and a member of our team will reach out to you soon!
