On Codependency: Avoidance
Welcome back again, We are making great progress as we address the final characteristic of codependency this week and prepare to address what families, couples, and individuals can do about it as we wrap up our series next week. Today we taking a deeper dive into the trait of avoidance as it applies to co-dependency.
On the Co-Dependents Anonymous website, the main characteristics of codependency are broken down into 5 groups to understand common patterns and tendencies associated with co-dependency. Co-Dependents Anonymous is an organization that utilizes the 12 steps to facilitate learning, growth, and recovery related to codependency issues. These traits can be found under the meeting materials tab on the website.
Click here for additional codependency resources.
As stated previously, most humans possess some characteristics of codependency because, by nature, we are codependent beings; we need each other to survive. CoDA further explains that if an individual possesses, displays behaviors, or identifies strongly with 4 or more of the traits listed under each group, that individual likely struggles with that type of codependency which can stem from anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, and other mental health issues. If the individual identified with less than 4 of the listed traits, they are considered healthy and doing what any healthy person would do in connection with others. The next set of characteristics is avoidance.
The next element of codependency is avoidance.
In avoidance as an element of codependency, Codependents often:
•act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
• judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
• allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
• refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.
• believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
• withhold expressions of appreciation.
Avoidance patterns of codependency are straightforward enough for anyone to read them and understand that these individuals avoid intimacy. Though some of the traits listed may be convoluted or confusing, they all create distance between one individual and another emotionally.
So Let’s unpack where these avoidant traits may develop.
So in avoidant behavior patterns, this distance is a coping skill learned at a young age to protect the emotional well-being of the individual. “If I don’t get too close, I can’t get hurt.” These individuals will do whatever it takes to keep others away from them, be it by pushing others away from them or by convincing others to stay away from them.
Avoidant attachment style is like this trait of codependency in that children learn that their parents are a source of danger or a threat and should be avoided. Individuals struggling with substance abuse who are abusive towards their children often lead to avoidant adults who would rather figure things out on their own versus risk trusting someone who will inevitably hurt them. Anxious parents may be very controlling and critical, teaching their children that those closest to them are judgmental and are a threat to their self-esteem, which results in avoidant adults who don’t want to risk being criticized again.
Vulnerability is a key component of intimacy in that it allows for deeper and more meaningful connections. But as this word implies, being vulnerable leaves one susceptible to pain and disappointment. Avoidance patterns of codependency keep people safe from the potential emotional pain that comes with vulnerability and closeness in relationships, which conversely keeps these individuals distant and alone.
By Chrissy LaCivita, LCSW
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