On Codependency: All in the family

Welcome to the last and final portion of our series on codependency. We have discovered the 5 types of competent traits, and now we are going to make the final application of these traits to how they develop and present themselves in families. 

After reviewing the 5 characteristic patterns of codependency, most of us can identify which traits we possess, or which areas may be problematic in our lives. We can also (and most often do) recognize the traits of those closest to us when we consider or learn more about codependent behaviors. As stated before, it is most common that codependent individuals to end up in relationships with other codependent people because the healthy (or non-codependent) person will not put up with codependency issues for long. This then shows how if we are codependent in some form or fashion, our intimate relationships will reflect that in opposing or complimentary codependent traits.  

Opposing or Complimentary codependent traits

So what do I mean by opposing or complimentary codependent traits? The example that I have found to illustrate this concept is the yin and yang symbol. We all know this to be the circle with half black, half white, one black dot in the white, one white dot in the black, with a wavy line in-between the two sections. That is a healthy relationship. Generally consists of about 50% of the responsibilities in the relationship but there is a give and take where needed. A codependent relationship is not so pretty. 

This relationship circle consists of one of the individuals taking up about 75-80% of the relationship while the other picks up the 20-25% leftover. The line between is jagged and in general, not an appealing image compared to the yin and yang symbol. Based on this image we have created, we can see how a healthy person would not fit in the role within a codependent relationship and vice versa, which results in healthy people finding other healthy people to date and codependents finding other codependents.

The complementary traits are not as simple as color theory, however. The color wheel says the opposite of blue is orange and the opposite of green is red. With codependency patterns, it isn’t so black and white but it can be obvious at times. Control pattern codependents can and do get in relationships with every other type of codependent but avoidant types tend to be the hardest to control. Denial and avoidant pattern codependents don’t usually end up together because the denial type has no idea the avoidant is into them and the avoidant will never share their feelings. The rest can plug into each other in ways that are complementary but not necessarily completely opposing. That is why when we read these traits, it is easy to spot our loved ones because we’ve lived with them long enough to see their characteristics on a page and they often are opposite of our own.

The path to healing

In order to heal from codependent behaviors or patterns within a relationship does not necessarily mean both individuals need to work on their issues simultaneously. If one individual is able to edit or improve their behavior, the partner will inevitably follow suit if the relationship is to last. As mentioned in the last paragraph, codependent individuals and healthy individuals do not make long-term relationships because someone gets tired of dealing with the other (either the healthy person can’t take the toxicity or the codependent person gets tired of their codependent needs going unmet). 

Given this, when we heal ourselves individually from our codependency issues, the other person will either change with us to meet our new, healthy standards, or the relationship will dissolve which is the healthiest thing. Codependency will tell us to address our family members or loved ones with force and require both of us to change, but the reality is as long as one of us has the courage and determination to make the situation or relationship better, the best outcome will follow and we will be healthier for it.

By Chrissy LaCivita, LCSW 

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