Talking with your Partner about Parenting

Even in the best of circumstances, parenting is hard. Whether you are just beginning your parenting journey, or are deep into the throughs of life with teenagers, parenting is sure to bring challenges on so many levels. There are truly countless numbers of decisions to be made throughout the parenting process. 

And then to take things one step further, many people are in the position to navigate these challenges of parenting with another human, who is just as opinionated and emotionally invested as themselves. So today, we are going to take some time to address the best ways to have those tough parenting conversations in the context of your relationship. Here are a few tips to help you navigate those challenging conversations related to parenting with your spouse, significant other, partner, or co-parent.

Start with what you have in common.

Often times conversations related to parenting, or just areas of conflict in general, can be very focused on the differences that two people have. In conversations related to parenting, be it with children, or teens, it is important to remember the things that you and your partner do have in common. Remind each other of those things often. At a minimum, in almost all cases that I have worked with as a child and teen therapist, parents truly do want healthy happy children and teens. They may disagree wildly on how to accomplish that task, but finding that common ground and starting the conversation from that place of common ground, can be a game changer in navigating the conversation effectively moving forward. And, if you do have even more commonalities in a specific issue being addressed, make sure that they are clearly identified and stated!

Identify the actual root of the problem.

This is one of the places where those who are parenting together frequently get off track. It is important to take the time to clearly identify the issue that is being discussed. So often, arguments, effective discussions, and conversations can become hurtful when we allow tangents to occur, and get off subject from the actual concern at hand. 

Identify the problem, agree on the problem that has been identified, and stay on that topic. Sometimes these topics may not be as clearly defined as we think. For example, if a teen asks to spend the night with a friend, and you and your partner disagree on whether or not the teen should be able to spend the night with a friend.  It is entirely possible that the actual root of the problem may not be the sleepover at all. It may be defining what safe guidelines are for your family. It may be a problem of difference in values as far as what activities are chosen or prioritized. Or it could be something entirely different. But effective conversations must have a defined problem for effective solutions to be reached.

Identify some of the reasons for the stance or opinion that you have.

OK, this one takes some introspection. How many times have you had a big response or a big reaction to something that was connected to one of your own experiences? As human beings, we respond emotionally in the present based on our experiences in the past. In order to effectively talk about some of your stances and desires as a parent, you may have to take the time to identify pieces in parts of your own story that have formulated some of the opinions and needs that you are bringing into your parenting style now. Being able to share with your partner why certain things are important to you, why you hold some of the opinions that you do, and why you believe in parenting in a certain way may offer more insights and understanding in the parenting relationship. And this goes two ways. We also have to be able to understand certain things that are important to our partner, why our partner holds some of the opinions that they do, and why they believe in parenting in a certain way.

Be willing to compromise.

Remember step one where both parties desired happy healthy children and teens? Now that we know a little bit more about why your partner thinks, feels, and believes in the way that they do related to parenting, it is time to collaborate and work to honor the stories and experiences of both parties through this parenting process. And this will require compromise. Everyone comes with a different history, set of experiences, and opinions on how they desire to parent best. But, it is entirely possible to honor the perspectives and histories of both partners as you navigate the parenting challenges together. Pick out the things that are most important to you, and be willing to compromise on some of the things that hold less importance.

Present a united front.

And finally, you and your partner are in this parenting game together! When one of you wins, you both win. When your child or teen succeeds, your family succeeds. Having a unified front, a united game plan, and a singular determined purpose will set your relationship with your partner up for success and likely produce happier, healthier children and teens. 

And remember, parenting is a long-term endeavor. Missed steps will happen, and mistakes will be made, but the goal is for you and your partner to be able to communicate through this journey together, and actually enjoy the kids and teens that you’re raising.

If you would like some additional support or to access the help of a child or teen therapist, we would love to connect with you. With online therapy options and in-person availability at our Arlington, TX-based therapy office, a member of our team is ready to join your team in navigating the challenges facing you, your partner, and your family.